There is no easy way to combat alienation especially if it has taken place for a long period of time and the alienated parent has had little contact with the child. One might say the alienator has won and has the complete control of the child in this scenario. The two (the alienator and the child) then are a ‘team’ who work totally against the alienated parent for the purpose of humiliating and rejecting that parent from having contact with the victimized child.
Some of the methods that are recommended for dealing with the process of alienation may seem extreme but it is an extreme situation that one is facing when dealing with the overwhelming power of the alienator. Typical therapeutic methods are ineffective when dealing with such problems. Very firm approaches are required and these must be backed unequivocally by the court in order for them to have an effect in debriefing the victim of the alienation (the child). This sometimes places the therapist in a dangerous situation for he or she may be accused of being to firm in seeking to reverse the alienation effects. A combination of both reason and emotion but most of all firmness must be shown to the child to make them aware of the damage that has and is being done by continuing to live with such a negative attitude towards one parent. This is of course assuming that the alienated parent is innocent of all physical, sexual or emotional abuse.
Again there will be overlap in the suggestions made to reduce the effects of alienation:
1. Destroy the effects of denigration by one parent towards the other by making the child aware of the happy history before the acrimony and separation between the parents occurred.
2. Get the child to see the good points about the denigrated parent.
3. Be firm and proactive in changing attitudes and behaviour that have caused the parental alienation.
4. Try to get the alienating parent to cooperate in stopping the alienation. This is easier said than done, and many alienators will refuse to cooperate in this although claiming otherwise. This is even the case when it is highlighted that such actions are actually harmful to the child’s development.
5. Appeal to the child’s conscience that he or she is rejecting, hurting, and humiliating an innocent party who cares for that child.
6. Have the child together with the alienated parent in due course while seeking to change both attitudes and behaviour via rational emotive therapy. There is a need in this process for very firm communications.
7. Make the child aware of what a blood relative might sacrifice for that child which is not the case for strangers.
8. Warn the parent who alienates the child of the harm that they are doing to the child not just in the present time but in the future also.
9. Appeal to the child’s critical thinking (intelligence and emotions) and make the child aware of the unfairness and cruelty in rejecting a loving parent.
10. Make the child aware that they need both parents without endangering the relationship with the alienating parent.
11. Make the child aware that they may lose a good parent if the process of alienation continues.
12. The child should be made aware that the extended family of the alienated parent is also being unfairly rejected.
13. Encourage the child not only to engage with the alienated parent but with the alienated parent’s extended family, i.e. grandmother, grandfather, aunts, uncles, etc. This will serve to reverse the alienation process.
14. Curtail or eliminate telephone calls and other communications from the programming parent while the child is with the non-custodial parent.
How do you handle visiting with your child, if you are the alienated parent? How do you keep the visit a positive, happy and loving time? How do you deal with fears the child may have about your visit and spending time with you?
